It is almost a certainty that the universe was trying to teach me a lesson about wearing leggings as pants. I work in a business casual office with emphasis on business, but my boss was out of the office and her boss was out of the office. It was Wednesday morning and I would have preferred to pull the covers over my head and wear pajamas all day. Instead I rewarded my go-getterness (i.e. getting out of bed) with the decision to wear leggings to work.
While my last post got too long so I broke it up (Part 1 and Part 2), this post is a result of what happened after I shared my story of PPD. Like my PPD story, it is something I have a very difficult time articulating coherently out loud with those that I love most dearly.
“I didn’t realize your PPD was so bad.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this when it was happening?”
This statement and question, spoken tentatively, vulnerably, and filled with emotion from the mouths of my people… the ones I can’t live without… cuts me with fear. I don’t want them to feel bad or think they could have done more. I don’t want them to believe it is about the trust in our relationship.
For much of my life, I thought that courage was a one-time event. You came to a moment, mustered the courage, and just did it. Whatever it may be. Perhaps that is true when you are 12, but not so much when you are 37. Challenges are bigger. Life is more complicated. There are others to think about beyond yourself.
Egypt, Baghdad, Chad, Cameroon, Beruit, Baghdad, Paris, Nigeria… 850 people injured or killed in terrorist incidents in these locations during the month of November alone. It breaks my heart. I feel helpless to do anything. The world is broken and hurting. People are angry and scared.
We carved pumpkins this past weekend. It’s the first time we’ve carved pumpkins since before kids. That means it has been at least six years, probably more. There’s a reason we haven’t carved pumpkins in a long time. I don’t like it. It is messy, gross, time-consuming, and only moderately fun. It does seem like a rite of childhood and I’m not a complete curmudgeon… not to mention Bigs has been asking about doing it since he took a field trip to the pumpkin patch.