These Things Happen in Real Life

It is almost a certainty that the universe was trying to teach me a lesson about wearing leggings as pants. I work in a business casual office with emphasis on business, but my boss was out of the office and her boss was out of the office. It was Wednesday morning and I would have preferred to pull the covers over my head and wear pajamas all day. Instead I rewarded my go-getterness (i.e. getting out of bed) with the decision to wear leggings to work.

A side note on leggings for women age 38, mother of two, and slightly fluffy around the edges: Spanx carries these amazing styles that smooth everything out and hold everything in. I wear them unless I’m actually working out (which is almost never.) If you are familiar with Spanx there is a bit of sausage casing filling process that occurs in putting them on.

Back to my life lesson.

It was mid-morning and I ran to pee the two cups of coffee I had consumed that morning. (If you are at all put off by this as TMI, please don’t continue reading. I promise you will save yourself.) The work ladies’ room was empty except for the cleaning woman who I walked past as she filled the paper towel dispensers. I quickly peed and stood up. Before I could pull up my leggings, but after the auto flusher started, something flew off me. I thought it was a bead on my necklace, but as it landed in the toilet bowl, I realized it was not a bead. I took my right hand to feel my ear lobe to realize that my diamond earring had flown into the toilet. The world was moving in slow motion at this point as the commercial flushing continued for what felt like forever.

When the world started spinning again and the toilet stopped flushing, there in the very bottom of the toilet was my diamond earring. (I can’t make this up!)

I quickly went through my options and decided I would carefully reach in to get my earring while trying to avoid setting the auto flush off again. At no point, did I consider pulling up my sausage casings leggings from around my knees up and over my tushie.

With a breath of relief I fished out the earring from the almost sewer, but quickly realized that I had no plan for my dripping wet arm. Then it dawned on me that I was going to be soaking wet if I tried to pull my leggings up.

Could I wait out the cleaning lady who was still filling the paper towel dispensers? Was she ever going to leave? Dear God, would she get on her phone and talk for the next 20 minutes?

I croaked from the middle stall, “I’m having an awkward moment.”

She responded with a concerned and confused, “What?”

I waddled out from the stall, sausage casing around my knees, to grab freshly replaced paper towels to dry myself off. We made eye contact momentarily that confirmed nothing like this had ever happened to her before. I’m hoping my face expressed the same was true for me. Dried off, I put myself back together as I dithered trying to tell her what had happened. She laughed an uncomfortable laugh, never made eye contact with me again, and appeared like the best part of her day was going to be my departure from the bathroom.

No question, she went to the last stall and got on the phone to call her best friend the moment I left the restroom. It’s not going to be awkward the next time she sees me when I walk in the bathroom. But seriously, friends, this stuff happens to everybody, right?

In summary:

  • The universe told me today that leggings are not pants.
  • My earring was totally worth it. I’m so grateful it didn’t get sucked down the pot.
  • I will never reward any level of go-getterness with the wearing of leggings to work again.


8 thoughts on “These Things Happen in Real Life

  1. I love all of you and I love the “get real” part of you too. This is funny to most of us but probably wasn’t so funny at the time. Glad the earring got rescued.


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