My dearest Bigs,
As we snuggled at bedtime, your small hand searched under the covers for my hand. When you finally found it, you pulled my arm over you to wrap yourself in a cocoon of my limbs. With a deep breath and what felt like a burrowing into your mattress to get comfortable, you lay there perfectly still holding my hand. My heart stopped. My mind stopped. Time stopped. I was swallowed up in the moment of perfect peace and you began softly snoring. This is home, my sweet boy. Being surrounded in love is home.
You are venturing out into the world more. Riding the school bus, going to kindergarten, crossing the street on your own, and making friends. It feels like you need home more intensely now than ever. I remember the nights of not knowing how to get you back to sleep and they just don’t compare to not knowing what to say when you come home to share that the worst part of your day was a 5th grade girl on the playground calling you stupid.
Is it a teaching moment? What do I say? How do you react to my pained, contorted face? Do you just need a hug? Can I call that girl an idiot? (Maybe in my head.) Thankfully, I have the best partner in your daddy. Without missing a beat he asks you, “Well is it true?” You sheepishly stare up at us and say you don’t think so. Daddy agrees and I scoop you up reminding you that you don’t have to be smart for us to love you. We love you no matter what. Then you go scenario by scenario trying to find one in which we wouldn’t love you anymore. I’ve got a secret… it doesn’t exist. You aren’t earning our love. Our love is a birthright and it will never run out.
In a culture where earning, deserving, and being owed is so prevalent, I step back and see the facts so clearly. Nothing I have done earned me my motherhood. I don’t deserve you. You weren’t owed to me. You are simply a precious gift. Your mischievous smiles, uncontrollable laughter, deep thoughts, melt-into-you hugs, bright imagination, and caring spirit all came in the beautiful package that is you. I know God exists because of the perfection in which you were created… knitted together in my womb. You are teaching me these lessons each day. Reminding me of what is true.
Always be true, Bigs. True to who you are. Because you are enough. Just exactly, perfectly enough.
With endless love,