This post is brought to you by Ms. Mildred, the acquaintance mentioned in #10. September was a bit mopey and October has been a bit of a drag. I’ve needed laughter. We all need laughter. Ms. Mildred and her belly rubbing reminded me that laughter can be found everywhere. My life is filled with laughter. I hope you laugh with me as I recounting of some of my top 10 most awkward moments.
- Having a weak (but now recovered) pelvic floor opens the door to all sorts of awkward moment, the worst of which was getting to my car in the work parking garage and realizing I could not hold my pee any longer. It was a crisis, friends! I grabbed my coffee cup, but couldn’t get it under myself before peeing all over the cement floor. I hid from the security camera behind my car door.
- Speaking of pee and weak pelvic floors, I had a small accident in the lobby of the hospital when I was in labor with littles. I would have been fine, but it was Christmas Day and nothing was going on at the hospital so the front desk lady insisted on bringing me a wheel chair, which made me laugh. She insisted that my water had broken. I insisted that I had just wet my pants.
- There was the time I was 8 weeks pregnant and Bill, the sandwich guy at the work cafeteria, asked me if I was pregnant. I barely knew I was pregnant. The real awkward moment came when I asked him how he knew… ugh. Sometimes it is better not to know.
- This is more of a PSA for anybody who works in an open office environment. If you happen to notice someone in the cubicle next you has lit a match, DON’T ASK ABOUT IT! It is almost certain that more than that person will hear you ask if they smell fire too only drawing attention to your cube-mate. This whole interaction could end in the awkward moment of your usually jovial co-worker yelling, “I dropped a bomb and it f*ing stank. I was trying to hide it.”
- Getting a full crotch pat down at the airport and thinking it was done only to learn, “You need your hands tested, because we touched your private parts.” Yeah, I know you touched my private parts.
- The time I clogged the toilet and had to go to Home Depot to get a snake to unclog it. We couldn’t find it on our own and a helpful employee was trying to help us solve the problem as he didn’t think a snake was necessary. “Could it be a sock or child’s toy?” “No. It is just a really hard poop.” The poor man couldn’t look me in the eye and referred to the poop exclusively as my husband’s.
- Did I mention the time that I was so hung over, I vomited in front of my parents on the historic little main street of my home town? It was Sunday morning and I had not made it to church. Pray for me.
- When I was quizzed by my husband’s employer about the breast milk I was feeding Littles. I’m cool with that… until he asked me if I had ever considered making ice cream out of it.
- Of course, there was the time when I got walked in on in the nursing mother’s room and was only wearing my tights (I had worn a knit dress that day) and the hands-free pumping bra.
- Friday night I ran into an acquaintance. We were chatting and before I even knew what was happening, she started rubbing my belly and asked, “When is your next precious child coming?” The answer is likely, “Never.”
On a more serious note, nearly four years postpartum it totally stung hearing someone ask me if I’m pregnant. I considered running away, exercising excessively, and not eating until I was thin again. My other option was to stuff my face with Oreos, since clearly it wouldn’t matter. Cooler minds prevailed and I let it go. (This monumental for me.) I looked myself in the mirror and reminded myself that I have an amazing body and it has done incredible things. It is perfectly imperfect and I love it just the way it is. I also love wine, cheese, all things that taste delicious and currently am unable to out exercise my love for those things.