Restless

Lately, I’ve been feeling out of balance. It’s not one glaring thing. It’s not even something I can put my finger on. I feel shaken by the usual waves life sends one’s way. I feel burdened by nothing in particular. It isn’t suffocating. More like the side stitch you get on a long run that makes you want to stop to breathe, rest, regroup.

It’s like my life needs a tweak, but I can figure out what to change. I want to feel more present, like I’m living life and not chasing it. I internally assess my time balance sheet of availability and commitments and don’t think I’m over levered. Nothing stands out as needing to be shed. There is no clear addition that would make me feel more whole.

Stopping to breathe isn’t my natural response, but sometimes there isn’t another choice. I dive in head first waiting until the last moment to come up for air. Inhaling the world around me, exhaling the worry in my belly. Savoring the moments of perfection, releasing the steam of frustration coming from my head. Consuming that which nourishes, excreting my toxins. Finding my breathe and letting it be.

I tend to run until I collapse, when rest becomes a requirement, a prerequisite for beginning again. Rest with two small children, a husband, a demanding job, and a life can be elusive. It feels selfish and necessary at the same time. I know what the verge looks like and am reminded every time I fly that one must put on their own oxygen mask before helping someone else. Rest, as a mother, is like an oxygen mask. It is the lifeline to sustaining and supporting. Bone tired has never bred anything good.

Regrouping is where I excell.  I love finding a strategy and executing. Taking action is my tendency. I’m a natural problem solver, but often times the solutions are in their own time and not mine. I love completing puzzles. Finding the missing piece and placing it in the exact right spot. For now I search, for that missing piece to solve my restlessness. As I search, I want to look in places I haven’t before. See if there is something that I’m missing. Be something new. Perhaps I will find that missing piece is right under my nose in a usual spot that sometimes goes unnoticed, but I don’t want to miss it if it is somewhere I have yet to explore.

Finding my balance is important. I love having my feet firmly planted on the ground as the breeze ruffles my hair. Perfection isn’t required, just sound footing.

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2 thoughts on “Restless

  1. I feel this way too sometimes. Like I just can’t put my finger on what about my life feels unsettled. You express the phenomenon so beautifully and eloquently. Keep writing, my dear. I’ll just be over here soaking up the words.

    Like

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